Scott's suicide blog -

22 Jan 2008

Fuck It

Ending life with future hope


Scott T Nichols

Through out life there are many theories trying to explain why we are here-the big bang, evolution, God, our lives are preplanned, some believe there is a thing called fate or destiny.
I have spent my life believing in faith and religion with moments of question and I still do believe that there has to be something to this intricate thing we call-life.
However in my journey the past 32 years there is one thing that has been revealed over and over again, human kind refuses to learn from the past.
One of the most predominately-overused sayings in life is everything happens for a reason and use God or religion to hide behind this cliché.
For some reason throughout life people will use words for personal gain and when their needs have been satisfied they have no problem leaving the people they used in ruins to ask the question-what is the meaning of this?
The only answer ever given is-because things happen for a reason.
So here I sit pondering on my life looking at all the good times and yes the pain.
I have had many good things throughout my life and I remember and am thankful for them all. I could sit here and list them but this is meant to be short and to the point.
I could also sit here and talk about my youth and how I lost my mother when I was young, I was raped by someone that I was supposed to trust, how I didn't fulfill my dreams as a United States Marine due to injury in Iraq, but I won't.
What I want to focus on is using the word love. Just like any other word it is exactly that.
People say they love many things, I know I have.
I love my car, I love how I look in this suit, I love my life, I love pizza, I love beer. But I can honestly say that when it comes to love of another human being I hold that very sacred it is just more than a word. Have I told people that I loved them for personal gain? Honestly never in my whole life. I can also honestly say that because of some hurt from my high school sweet heart while I was in boot camp, I swore off all relationships. I was going to be a career Marine so there was no need to be tied down.
Did that mean I never felt love or used the word? No. I did feel it and I used it but I made sure that the special person knew I was not there for the long run. That way there was no room for prolonged hurt.
When I was hurt in Iraq and was released from the Marine Corps I came to Wisconsin where I was able to start experiencing relationships again after so many years. The first two resulted in pain, each one worse than the other but it was this last one, the third one, the one that I was told I was her world and that we were meant to be, but alas it turned out to be a lie. That really drove home that for some reason I was not allowed to experience the feeling of love for a lifetime period.
The first day I saw the angel I talk about I knew that there was something different about this one and that fate was taking over and I have finally been given the best gift in the world. Unfortunately there was an age difference. Eleven years separated us and I had a huge problem with that. My mom remarried when I was 15 to someone that was only 10 years my senior and she was 40, that always bothered me.
Well because my angel is so special and after some reassurance and trust was instilled I put it behind me because one day we both looked at each other and knew that we wanted to tell one another that we loved each other. And we did.
This was it, this was meant to be.
All the more reason I believed in it is because we had a simple relationship. There was never any fighting. Bickering, yes, because to me that just shows that you care about each other.
The other reason I believed in it is that she was a virgin and that did not bother me. She made a pact with her father and I respected that. There was not a day that we didn't tell each other how much we meant to each other.
For some reason after 14 months together and talk of engagement, marriage and a promise ring, everything came to an end. Every reason in the book was thrown out to why it was happening but the main thing that really sticks is that she was only 20, she didn't know what she wanted in life, and that her mother never thought she would marry the first person that she truly loved.
So is this fate, is this the reason?
I cannot believe that I have a reason when the next thing told to me is that she did not have time to fix a relationship, that up until then didn't have any problems, but a week later she was with someone else and to this day still with him. But there was no cheating involved?
So here I sit again pondering, what is the reason?
Now this is by no means a blame session towards that angel, because she is exactly that. Even though she has left me in those ruins, she is still human just like the rest of us. She is going to be something great.
The lesson out of all of this is that if the truth were just told from the beginning then I do not think I would be losing my mind over it five months later. I wouldn't be missing her with every ounce of my soul and every time I experience a memory of things we used to do together I wouldn't break out in tears.
So please people, there is nothing wrong with being selfish but when it comes at an expense of someone else then you need to rethink yourself and what you are trying to achieve. Many people have told me that I am being selfish and that I am not thinking of others. Your right I am being selfish but I am doing it in hopes that if one person is not put through such pain because someone thought twice on how they treat others, than my job is done. That one person saved may be the difference when it comes to a better world. And as far as not thinking of others, well those, whom believe that, please bury me face down so they can take a sweet suck of my ass.
Everyone I have told that I love, I do. Everyone in my life somehow and some way are always in my thoughts. It is time for a change for me. We are all sources of energy, a soul and we all share the same space, so I know that I will be here in some shape or form to think about you. Just remember that when you receive a cool breeze of air on a hot day, some shade from a cloud on the brightest day, a sweet morning song from a bird, a moment in life that directs you from harms way-it will be me thinking about you.


P.S. Now that I have poured all the bullshit out of my heart, I will say I am a piece of shit. She doesn't love me and I have successfully driven every one that loves me away. I do not want any mourning I don't want any good thoughts about me. I am a bitch; I am a pussy. I gave my heart away for the last time. I have taken hearts before but I thought being honest from the beginning wouldn't make it an issue. Well love when felt no matter the conditions is love. Without it one feels useless. Good thing is the hearts I have taken are stronger than I am. They made it and now payday for me is here. I love, I do but I will never be able to have the love that I experienced with Jenna and I cannot lie to someone and tell them I will love them when I know I can't. All I ever wanted was to be different than my father. I wanted to have a life of love that my mother never had. I wanted to have children and give them the things I could never have. It is inevitable, it will never happen. I am scum; that is how you must remember me. I do not even deserve a proper burial because cowards like me do not deserve a thing. A hole in the ground and spit on my rotting corpse is all I deserve. Hell will devour me and make me the rightful shit heap I am. I have guaranteed that. Freely give my things away to people that deserve them. I deserved nothing of the pleasure that I experienced in life. I do apologize I came into peoples lives making them think I was worth something and having them care for me. Save it for those that really do deserve it.