Blog posted hours before John died -

My Final Thoughts

So a lot of people are probably asking themselves, "Why?"

Well, let me start off with saying that I've been thinking about this for a long time. I think my first thoughts of harming myself actually were when I was in the 4th or 5th grade, and although for the life of me (no pun intended- okay, maybe a little) I cannot recall any event of any importance that sparked it. Perhaps it was the difficulty of admitting to myself that I am gay. Once I was able to do that though, the thoughts never went away, so I'm not even sure that's the reason. I never really told anybody about the thoughts, but since I like control, I always knew that suicide was how I was going to go so I could control my fate. I mean, does it surprise anybody that I am a control freak? I'm guessing not.

I also made a decision a long time ago that I didn't want to live past 25. Because that was my target age, I set out goals that I wanted to reach by that time. I told myself that I wanted to own a house, have a job where I made over $60,000 a year, and have a wife and kids. Does the fact that I wanted a wife and kids tell you anything about how long ago I set my target age? Anyway, I now have a beautiful house, I make over the $60,000 a year, and I obviously have scratched wanting a wife and kids meaning I met all of my goals (with the help of a few close people of course).

So now let's jump to the present times. To clear any doubts, I do not have any major medical issues. I'm not HIV+ and I do not have any other life-threatening medical illnesses. Winter has just always been difficult for me. I'm always much more depressed in the winter than any other time of the year, so once again this last year it came back strong. (That's why I started my Gingerbread House Parties. It always got my mind off of things and gave me something to look forward to.) In addition to my usual depression, this year I had a major event strike me on Christmas Eve. Some of you are aware of the major event, and for those of you that aren't I'll tell you that I was accused of something that happened because somebody was out to ruin my life. Because of this accusation, I stood to lose everything in my life. Even if it was proven that I am innocent (which I am confident it would have been proven that way because I didn't do it), after everything was said and done there was no way I could stay at my current job (thus lose everything because I wouldn't be able to financially support myself) due to the nature of the accusations and people involved. Plus, there was no way I would want to and put everybody in such an awkward position. And as we all know from experience, there is always doubt in people's mind as to whether you did it or not and I couldn't live with that doubt. This event also started to have a major psychological impact on me in a huge negative way. I even went to the doctor and admitted I needed help, which was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I've always been too proud to admit I needed help with anything, and that's probably why pride is one of the seven deadly sins. Anywho, this event had a major impact on my decision, but was not the only deciding factor since I've always wanted to do this.

Also, this last week, my friend Tyler West killed himself. I knew he was going to do it, and because of that I learned a lot. First of all, I took my 5th grade teacher's advice and mourned him for one day, and after that stopped mourning because it was his decision (I suggest you all take that advice with me, but I'll let you decide how you react). Suicide is a choice that is made by the person doing it, and their choice alone. Secondly I learned that suicide isn't always the worst option. Now I know many of you will disagree, but I'm not talking about killing yourself over losing a boyfriend or girlfriend, I'm talking about when the pain becomes so much that you realize it will never go away. Time heals most things, but there are some things in life that stick with you forever no matter what meds you are on or what psychiatrist you are talking to. Besides those things that cannot go away, I'm not one to dwell on the past, but I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of, and those things haunt me because they are counter to anything I've lived for. Third, I realized that when somebody does take their life, it's a lot easier when you don't leave people with questions, which is why I'm taking the time to write this all to you. I know this letter won't answer everything, but I'm hoping that some of your questions will be answered allowing you to heal quicker. Fourth, and probably most importantly I learned that when you do go, people should remember you for all the good times. It's easy to be sorry for yourself because you lose somebody you know, but instead you should be happy they aren't suffering from all the internal demons they were suffering from. They got what they really wanted, and if you ever had any respect for them, you should respect the fact that this was their wish and their choice. Nothing you could have done would have made any difference in the outcome if they were really set on suicide, just like in my case. Don't wish you would have called me back when I called you, don't say you shouldn't have let me be alone, don't wish that you would have kept in better touch, and don't wish you didn't come over for dinner when I asked if you wanted to, don't wish you didn't have that one last drink for me, and don't regret any of those other silly things. Regret is the most wasted emotion because it is absolutely pointless. You can't change what is already done; you can only learn from it and use what you learned toward future decisions.

And if it puts any of you to ease, I'm finally happy now, and have been truly happy for the last couple of days since I've finalized my decision. I've been toying with this idea for a long time like I said earlier, and I'm happy because I finally decided to do it. I'm happy because for the first time in my life I see an end to my suffering, a light at the end of a long dark tunnel if you will. I even got the first good night's sleep this week that I've had in months. There is no reason to be sad for me. As all of you know that are close to me, I've done my best at doing my best in life. I've done my best to help as many people as I can. You should do the same. It's not easy helping people, but besides my family and friends, helping people is one of the only things that have kept me on this journey called life as long as I have been. It's one of the most fulfilling feelings ever.

Ultimately, I know that everybody will heal from losing me with time, but please don't forget that I love you all, and I will for eternity. You all made my journey an overall good one. Please take care of each other now through this initial hard time, and use this as a way to become closer to each other as well as a lesson to love everybody in life as much as you can, because you never know when you might lose them.