From a blog -

As I sit here at work and look at myspace trying to pass the time, I can't help but cry. Cry because you the love of my life isnt here any longer. I cry because of the gut wrenching pain I feel constantly for the past 23 days and that I'm sure I'll feel for the rest of my life. I sometimes wish that my heart died on April 20th. Because at least id be with you. 23 days ago my life was how I wanted it. It may not have been perfect but it was OUR life. OUR life together. OUR life together that was supposed to last much longer than 2 1/2 years.

The day I met you is as clear in my head as if it happend yesterday. I remember every aspect. What he was wearing, what I was wearing, where we were, who we were with. Our frist words to one another. And it is a day I'll never forget. It was the day i truly deeply feel in love. You impacted my life far more than you'll ever knew. You showed me so much. You showed me how to live. You showed me how to love. And I am forever in debt to you for that. The love you and I have is unexplainable. You are my soulmate. Love that you and I share does not happen twice.
You and I had an up and down relationship but we always worked through everything because we truly love each other and NO ONE can ever take that away from us. You and I and our family and friends know the love we have for one another.

And I talk about you as if you here, because you are. You are all around me and I know that. You are the breeze that blows through my hair. You are the sun that shines down on me. You are all around me. Even though you are not here physically you are here with me still and I know that for a fact. Every day since you passed I have seen a white butterfly. And I truly believe that is you showing me that youre still here. Each day I think it'll get better. But it doesnt. I still feel like im in the the longest nightmare of my life. A nightmare i know will last a life time.

Everyone still talks about you all the time, and i know itll happen until the end of time. You are so special to so many people. I still wake up thinking im going to look over and see you sleeping next to me. But then i finally open my eyes to realize that im still in this horriable nightmare i call life. Some hours are better than others. All the boys have been here for me. They try so hard to keep my head up and keep my spirits high and sometimes they do. but sometimes i cant help but breakdown and for that im sorry. i try and be so strong because i know thats what youd want me to do. but you were my rock. you were what kept me strong. my whole life was you. and it still is. but i miss you so much monkey.

I miss your kisses i miss your hugs, i miss your smell. i miss how you walk i miss your voice. i miss your eskimo kisses i miss your chirps. i miss watching movies with you in bed in our undies and wrestling and tickling each other, i miss taking our dogs on walks. i miss going to all the gun stores with you. i miss going to the malls with you. i miss your laugh. i miss going shooting with you. i miss just laying in bed with you for hours talking about how grand our life together would be how we would retire in mexico one day. i miss talking about how our family would be. how our wedding was gunna be. i miss you telling me to hold you at night. i miss being woken up in the middle of the night by you just to tell me you love me and how happy you are with me. I miss everything about. Even the way you would get mad at me bc im a shitty driver. i miss you getting mad at me bc you didnt have clean laundry all the time. i miss hearing your ringtone. I miss everything baby. I still think at 10:00 youre getting off of work and think where are we gunna eat. Jasmine misses her daddy so much and so does Apollo. Theyve been very sad. I hold jasmine all night and try and comfort her. I really hope it works. I know I cant even compare to her how you were to her but i promise you with everything i have im trying.

Me josh sarah shummy and tino went to Venice and spread some of your ashes in the ocean because we know that was your favorite place. we went all the places you and josh went. And all i wished for was that you were there. i just wished i looked to either side of me and saw you. Words cant express my pain, my heartache. I cry every night and every morning bc i miss you so much. i dream about you all the time. i sleep with the build-a-bear you got me every night and i listen to what you said to me on the recorder in it all the time. "I love you Jenna youre my bestfriend and Im going to Marry you" i play it over and over again. wishing it was coming straight from you.

Its hard for me to watch videos with you in them. its just too painful. You know all i ever wanted in life was a family and to marry you. but now that youre not here i dont want any of that and im perfectly okay with that. there is NO man in this WHOLE WORLD that could ever begin to fill the shoes you had. There is no one. So ive come to the realiaztion that ill be alone for the rest of my life. and im perfectly okay with that. Im going to move up north to be with your family one day. Being with them and talking to them about you really brings me peace. They are the people who know you the way i know you. not alot of people got to see the ALL of you. and i know all sides of you. We knew each other inside and out. i could know what youre thinking before you even say anything. and you would always tell me to get out of your head.

Im so thankful to have had you in my life. The love we have for one another is special. and no one came in the middle of that. My family loves you and your family loves me. And im truly thankful for that. Please keep coming to me everyday as that white butterfly and ill know youre here. and that'll make me smile. i talk to you everynight and i hope you can hear me. i actually talk to you through out the whole day.. sometimes i know you hear me because you give me signs. i just want you to know there isnt a minute that goes by that i dont think about you. and miss you and love you. Even though youre gone, the love i have for you continues to grow each and everyday as if you are here. all the things we said we were going to do together im still going to do. in honor of you. I am proud to be the woman you would have married. i am proud to say you were mine. and i was yours. the way i try to see it is, youre on that vacation you always wanted to be on just waiting for me and your family to get there. and one day we will be together again on that vacation. living the life we would have had down here on earth. until then my sweet angel, watch over me and keep me safe until its my time to be with you again. and i promise everyday ill talk to you and love you until the day i see you again. I love you Adam Mathew Stokes. PORVIDA. My monkey. My angel. My everything.

Love You Always Your Bestfriend, Your Wife, Your Soulmate
Jenna