From Heidi's blog -

I'm not even sure how to start this without sounding like a whining poor pitiful me sap, but one thing that has weighed heavy on my mind is not having someone in my life, a man, a significant other to go to in my weakest moments. Someone to hold me to make me feel safe and loved. I have so many people in my life and for that I feel truly blessed and deep down I am very happy with my life, it's just missing that element of intimacy and love that only a special person can give you.

I spend a lot of nights when it's time for bed and I should be sleeping, I instead will be up watching TV working on craft projects just to keep my mind busy and not thinking about the other side of my bed being empty, but sometimes it's really hard not to think about it. If things go as expected I may actually die without the feeling of a mans arms around me ever again. I may never feel a soft kiss, or the passionate touch that only a man who loves me and cares for me can give, something I truly miss, and now it's just a memory of lost love. But seriously, would it be fair to let a man in my life now? I personally think it would be selfish on my part, to love someone and let them love me only to lose me so soon? Unfortunately, I just can't do it, it doesn't feel right.

I have no one to blame but myself really I didn't get myself out there enough... in fact it's been very difficult to even consider being in a relationship because I feel it would be unfair to bring a man into my roller-coaster cancer life. I guess I didn't really think that I would feel this way or wish I had done things differently. I've been crying a lot lately and I would give anything to have someone just hold me and wipe away my tears. I would love to have someone to laugh with and do things with, share some final experiences with. Someone that would hold my hand until my final breath like dad did for mom. But at the same time I would hate to ever hurt someone by my death, to see them cry or suffer because of me. I've been told I push people away (men) and that it should be their choice if they want to be with me or not as long as I'm up front about my situation. I guess it's true, but it's a little late to hit the dating scene now.

I don't think I would push anyone away now with the way I feel and realizing what I miss and long for. Heck I would probably be like Pepe Le Pew and scare the poor guy away! haha I do know I'm definitely not holding my breath that someone is going to knock on my door anytime soon. Oh well, my life story, "It is what It is". I will find a way to shake it off, move on and smile like I do through all things so far. Although I will admit my weak moments seem to be more frequent lately, and I've been dealing with them alone and in silence, in the dark, to myself, behind closed doors so that I'm not a burden on anyone... maybe that is why I feel so alone.